Mahogany Misfit - Sunday, August 9, 2009 at 05:22PM - 9 said something... - filed under Living Single!, Me Bitching and Ranting Email Article Plenty of "Give", But No Damn "Take"
So, I just got word that two of my coupled up friends are soon going to be "making it official" with their boyfriends and getting married by the end of the year...
If this is what makes them happy, great.
For me, it's another whirl in the redundant cycle of giving...
I consider myself a fairly generous person but lately I've given deeper thought to the idea of reciprocity.
Friendships and relationships in general should be about give and take.
When I look at most of MY friendships and relationships, I see that I've spent a fair amount of time and resources gift giving and celebrating other people's marriage and baby related milestones.
It's an expectation for most of us. Whenever people in your life have babies or get married, you are expected to sponsor their life choices by giving gifts and or money.
As a single, childfree woman, I have come to the realization that as someone who will NEVER have kids, and has no intention of EVER getting married, the gift giving will NEVER be mutual. Nothing I do, short of getting knocked up, or engaging in the co-dependency of a marriage will render me worthy of a celebration or simple gift.
When I have a "milestone" as a single, childfree woman....a promotion, new job, new apartment, a birthday...I am lucky to get a $3 greeting card from the very people I give $50 gifts to when they marry or have a baby.
Yet these are events that have been of great importance to ME, in my life. Even if my friends don't deem these worthy reasons to celebrate, maybe they should simply because I'M THEIR FRIEND and I DO IT FOR THEM.
Jeez, I am rarely overjoyed when people close to me have babies, but I give them a gift or a gift card anyway.
Most of my friends are Black...when they get married, I never bring up the fact that 66% of Black marriages end in divorce and tell them they are probably doomed to be a statistic. Nope, I give them a gift and keep my trap shut.
Hell, one of my friends got married for the second time and I still attended the event and gave her a gift!
So why is it wrong for me to want something in return for a change? Buy me dinner on my birthday, get me a throw pillow or two for my new apartment, a bottle of wine, maybe a book from my Amazon wishlist- SOMETHING to show that all of MY giving to YOU, isn't doomed to be one-sided (and seemingly unappreciated) since I'm never having babies or getting hitched.
Part of me wondered, upon beginning this post of I would come off as "greedy" for bitching about this but I truly believe there is nothing greedy about wanting a gift, because you give gifts. And it pisses me off that our culture has deemed only certain events (usually involving marriage and childbirth) "gift worthy", because those of us who choose to never partake in those societally promoted "milestones", will ALWAYS get the shaft.
This is why, as of right now, I am opting out of all gift-giving with regard to marriage and procreation. If I have a friend who buys me a birthday gift, I will buy her a birthday gift. The same goes for Christmas, Kwanza...whatever. But, if no gift giving is done on the part of a friend for any of my special occasions, I will not gift her in the event she has a baby or gets hitched.
I'm just not doing it anymore. I'd rather be in a friendship where we give each other NOTHING than continue to be part of this one-sided cycle of rewarding people with gifts for their choice to have babies and wed.
It's not even about the gifts per se, it's more about reciprocity and appreciaton for what I've done for you in our friendship.
Celebrate my milestones the way I celebrate yours. Mine are no less special or meaningful.
That's the problem here. MOST of my married friends who are mothers have not celebrated my life choices in the way I've celebrated theirs and I'd be willing to bet a lot of single, childess women (including lesbian, childless women) experience the same with their friends.
Ultimately, we celebrate the choices of the "majority" and get nothing in return.
It's unfair and I'm starting to feel my generosity is taken for granted.
I will wish people well when they choose to marry or have a baby, but not another dime of my money is going toward gifts for it until things change.
Sure I will probably be looked at as "selfish" by my friends for taking this stand, but it takes one to know one doesn't it?
They have gotten more out of me than I have gotten out of them so who is REALLY the selfish one here?
Here's a hint-it's not me.
Mahogany Misfit - Sunday, August 9, 2009 at 05:22PM - 9 said something... - filed under Living Single!, Me Bitching and Ranting Email Article 
Email Article to Friend
Reader Comments (9)
Hi, I've emailed you a few times but never wanted to post comments. I do think that a true friend would celebrate your milestones as much as you celebrate theirs, but people make the excuse that they were "too busy" (with the baby or whatever) to even call. Sometimes I believe it and I can look past that if they show they care in other ways. I do agree that if someone doesn't give you presents, you shouldn't give them any either - if only because it makes things awkward and that's always undesirable.
I agree with you 500% on this one MM. It's good to hear someone say it once and for all. The excessive, one sided gift giving for marriage and babies has got to stop.
To piggyback on what ex-lurker said, often people who you give a shitload of baby shower gifts to over the years then use their kids as an excuse as to why they can't afford to do anything for you when you have a special occasion. I notice people who have kids use that as a sympathy ploy when it comes time to reciprocate. "Oh so and so needs braces", or "I never realzied how expensive kids are", and that kind of talk.
I think we should lessen up on giving people gifts for doing "the norm" period and having kids and getting married is "the norm". I know society as a whole supports these things but it's not like they're extraordinary. MOST people will get married and have kids at some point in life. These people are not special and don't deserve a gift for doing average things. If however they believe they do than I'm with you, how bout giving me something when I move to a new place or get a new job, or on my birthday? If you can't muster up some change to do that, why should I?
I have never given a baby shower or bridal shower or wedding gift. I've never believed in it. Having 'showers' is just another stupid example of Westernized consumerism. I don't support it at all. I didn't even get my sister a wedding present---and she's MY SISTER!
I give thoughtful presents, just because, not to celebrate anything but the fact that you are a great friend that I have in my life. I've taken friends' out to dinner, spa dates, sex toy shopping, done fun things in which I've footed the bill. If I see a cute shirt while shopping for myself that I think my friend will like and I can afford it, I might get it for her.
My friends know not to hint at me for a gift for some stupid milestone because I don't believe in it. I had an ex-friend who stopped being friends with me because I didn't get her and her new "crotch fruit to be" a gift...LOL...I laughed to myself as she harangued me on the phone. "Don't you realize how foolish and greedy you sound right now?" She didn't, and we are no longer friends. Considering that since then she's had 2 other kids, gotten married/divorced and moved a bunch of times, I'm glad that I don't have to deal with her greedy lectures at every milestone.
It's YOUR money, you worked hard for it, and you should do what you want with it. I once saved $1153 by not buying gifts for a whole year. Every time I was supposed to buy a gift, I put the money in a high yielding savings account instead. I was smiling all the way to the bank and laughing as I splurged on a wonderful sun kissed vacation.
Hell every time you are invited to an event, just take that money and buy yourself a present! To thank yourself for being smart enough and independent enough to live life by your own terms.
Oh yes! Well said, my dear. My BFF is single and childless, but every year at Christmas and on her birthday, I ALWAYS send her a present. Why? Because I love her and she's an awesome person who deserves to be celebrated especially on her birthday. She's the only friend I buy presents for, because she's the only one (so far) who has manners and understands the finer points of being on a two way gift giving street! I mean, I'm not rich, but I always get her a little something, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to.
I think when people feel pressured to give a gift then the act of giving is tainted. Gifts should be given because you care for the person! However if there is no reciprocity, then the process is equally unfair.
I really liked Vixen's idea of giving gifts just because and not necessarily at milestones. Smart lady! :)
And great post as always MM!
Hello--I agree with this...you and I have had similar experiences shopping for baby stuff, and attending baby showers (mortifying! I send a card now but don't attend, can't stand these events). My husband has a friend at work and we used to visit now and then (prior to their having kids, that is). This lady sent me an obviously last-minute invitation to her baby shower--messily written, my husband's last name on the invite even though I kept my own when I got married! Still, even though I knew she was inviting me "just to be nice" (and, I suspect, to get more loot) I wanted to get her a gift to make an effort, and try to keep things friendly. I went to what I thought was a nice, trendy sort of shop...BabyGap...spent $50 or $60 on little socks, and a cute little baby-boy outfit, a couple shirts with coordinating stuff. Had it wrapped, gift-card, etc. We called the couple--dropped by their place and chatted a while, said we would not be able to make it to the shower, but we wished them well and gave them the box. They apparently opened the gift at the shower. No thank-you, later I heard that "some things had to be returned" and we never heard "boo" about why our gift was not right. Of course this is the same lady who hosted a picnic and I showed up in a comfortable old sundress--still good, not frayed or anything, everyone else was wearing shorts or whatever--and still I got the snide comment "Oh. Isn't that Gap from, like, three years ago?" --Shit! Is it any wonder I don't have time for this attitude anymore? --Another kid? Fine, knock yourself out lady, don't expect any pats on the back or shopping trips from me. Obviously I don't fit in with that bunch one bit, and it feels like 20 pounds off my back to drop them.
Whew, can you tell that hit a nerve? Ha-ha!
I don't expect gifts for every occasion. My husband and I don't even exchange birthday gifts--we go do something together: dinner out, a hike, a movie, whatever...but no "stuff." We buy special small gifts for close friends' birthdays and for holidays, and flowers or some small thing for when they're in need of cheer...but that's it. We cannot buy buy buy for everyone's "milestones," and that's just the way it is.
Thanks for your thoughts!
I feel you on this. Did you ever see the Sex and the City episode about this very thing?
As a lesbian, I have to deal with the issue around not being acknowledged for my relationship. Other than my parents, I have had the longest relationship in my family. One of my brothers has been married twice (both times to chicks that should not have crawled out from under the rocks that they came from). And yet, the announcements of both his engagements were family celebrations. My parents attended both weddings (grudgingly) and celebrated the birth of the kid (whom I happen to love terribly!)
And yet, when I announced to my family that I was celebrating my 9 year anniversary to this wonderful creative amazingly beautiful woman, there was....silence. And then an awkward transition into a conversation about my brother's not so happy so to happen divorce.
Ummmmm excuse me! What the hell!!
I am also not planning on having kids (no insemination for me or the partner--we got nieces and nephews thats better!). And gay marriage...well...who knows what's gonna happen with that or even if we want to go that route. So the fact that my relationship is fulfilling, is long lasting, and real means nothing to these folks!
So I do to them what they've done to me, cards on holidays and that's it. That's it. I got bills not disposable income.
Anyway...that's my 2 cents.
I so feel you on this. You are not being selfish. They are! They are too selfish to see it's one sided. True friends should celebrate when you get a promotion or your birthday.
Agreed, agreed and AGREED, girlfriend! And you know you are nowhere near being greedy nor selfish for thinking this way!! Remember that episode on SATC where Carrie went to a friend's house and her Manolos got stolen and she asked the friend to replace them, but the friend wouldn't? This is the exact same issue! Why aren't the life choices of single, childfree/childess women celebrated? I remember when I was single - I didn't get much of anything. Come to think of it, I'm lucky if someone sends me a birthday card these days. LOL When you're a single, CF/CL woman, maybe someone will think to gift you for your birthday, a housewarming, when you graduate from college, and MAYBE X-mas. I'm all about reciprocation when it comes to any relationship. I hate that one-sided bullshit. You gotta give to get, and if you ain't gettin' me, why should I do the same?
OMG! Girl, I'm so happy that I read this today because I just posted about the worth and merit of friendships.
I completely agree with you on this one and I don't think you should make any apologies for your decision. Your milestones are equally important and should be honoured without incident.
I know people who are so selfish and one-sided that I cringe when they call because I always feel like they want something. Selfishness seems to have taken up dominant residence in society and it's something that must be addressed and not tolerated.
Good for you for standing your ground and not giving more of yourself than someone is willing to reciprocate.