Mahogany Misfit - Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 09:36PM - 10 said something... - filed under Women's Issues Email Article A Woman & Her Name
And once again, I'm having difficulty dealing with the bullshit people and life have to offer.
Yep this is another panties in a bunch moment.
I just finished reading this article on USA Today's website where 70% of the people who responded to a survey believe that wives should take their husband's last name upon entering matrimony.
*sigh*
I don't even know where to begin...
First let's acknowledge that this tradition of name taking is patriarchal and sexist. Historically, it symbolizes a wife being under the ownership of her husband. Also, it's something that represents male lineage as being of primary importance so that children created in marital unions would have no inherited name ties to their female ancestors. As Carolyn Logan reasoned in her book, "Counterbalance", there was such a time when children were seen as primarily a man's property and women were deemed as "merely the conduit pipes through which men reproduced". Due to this it "made sense that children were give the surname of their only begetter."
WOW, WHO ELSE IS FAILING TO GET ALL WARM AND FUZZY AFTER READING THAT LOGIC?
Upon researching this subject matter to write this, I came across the married and maiden names wiki page, and found another portion of shit that hit a nerve.
"Women have no surnames of their own, but only "place-markers" indicating their relationship to men."
Hmm...depressing but look at how true it is.
Personally speaking, I am attached to my name. My first and last initials match. It looks stellar on a resume. It has a certain cutesy ring to it. It's grown on me during the last 29 years and now carries a strong sentimental value with it as well.
I would never, EVER take a man's name upon getting married.
Clearly I'm in the minority (go figure, I am a misfit after all) because the last figure I read indicated that something like 80% of women end up taking their husband's name when they marry.
In a way, that surprises me, but then I remember that we don't live in a very progressive country (world?) and most people conform to old traditions because "it's what's done".
That isn't to condemn the choices of women who take their husband's name but I'd still like to get my arms around the "whys". I mean, most of us know it's rooted in sexist bullshit right?
I've discussed this particular issue with women on other blogs and there seem to be the same handful of reasons for taking a husband's name.
*They hate their father and don't want his name anymore
*They hate their last name. It's too long, or hard to pronounce, or just plain ugly. They don't like it.
*They want to have the same name as their children
*Their husband was adamant about it
*They didn't really think of any reasons why they shouldn't
Ok, addressing to the first two reasons I have to say...why wait until marriage to change your name if this is the case? Why does marriage to a man represent one's only way out of their name? Like, we literally have to be rescued by them now in order to get a new name?
Not to be glib or catty but I just don't get it.
If those things applied to me (I hated my father, hated my name my entire life, etc.,) I could totally see myself just waltzing into a courthouse somewhere and changing my last name to something fabulous and completely made up. I think that's a pretty empowering road to take. Why wait years into adulthood for a marriage to materialize? Either way you're going to be dealing with bureaucracy and paperwork right?
As far as the children reason...why is it a hassle to hyphenate with the names of the mother AND father, and why, when children are born forth literally, from women's bodies, do they have to have only the father's last name? Our culture has this fucked up notion that a "family" is one in which women and children are always mandated to fall solely in line under the identity and name of a man.
The child is a product of BOTH parties, a shared name is NOT unreasonable. I think it's sweet actually and I sort of wish I had a part of my mother's maiden name included with my father's.
Hmm...maybe I'll legally change it??!!
K, getting off topic, sorry.
But seriously, there are so many creative options out here these days...making up a new name for the family, OR finding a man who is secure enough in his manhood to take his wife's last name and buck patriarchal tradition, are two creative options.
Plus, in our divorce obsessed culture, this method isn't foolproof. When women divorce and remarry, they end up taking on a new man's name and end up NOT sharing a name with their children anyway.
The fourth reason on the list is something I'll address at the end but the very final reason seems a bit apathetic. It also proves how powerful the patriarchy is. Women are socialized to be dispassionate about their names and identities because our culture suggests to us that our surname is temporary and disposable in the event we are granted the all important "wife" title by a man. Therefore, why should we value it? It doesn't represent anything meaningful according to our male dominated society.
I'm sorry I just can't do it and I know it's unpopular, but at this stage in life, I am committed to making personal decisions that empower me and are not totally rooted in sensless acts of submission to patriarchy. I cannot come up with any useful, empowering reason to take the name of my (non-existent) future husband.
I am so opposed to this idea that as a woman I need to change something, not to better or benefit myself (or our marital union, really), but to simply genuflect to a man because he was born with a penis and his name should trump mine.
If marriage is supposed to be about "equality", what could be more "equal" than us keeping the names we were born with?
I honestly do not understand this.
Even before I self-identified as a feminist, I always had this underlying feeling that I would never take a man's last name if I were to ever marry. It just seemed unnecessary. I already have a man's name- my dad's! And the ONLY reason I'm okay with that is because my daddy is my heart and soul. He had a hand in my creation. He helped teach me to walk and talk. He has loved me since I was a fetus. We are bonded as family, and his love and support will likely outlast that of any other relationship I will ever have.
I can see divorce as a possibility with a husband, but not with my father.
THAT is why I'm okay with sharing his name. If he were some sperm donor who felt his parental responsibilities ended at ejaculation, I'm sure I'd feel differently.
Moving along...the most frustrating thing about the topic of name changing has been discussing this issue with men.
Every man I have ever asked about this (which is several over the years), has been opposed to the idea of a woman keeping her maiden name in marriage. None I have spoken to have given any solid reasons other than the arbitrary "it's tradition". Or "I just want her to share a name with me" (they usually stumble back to "tradition" when questioned about why it has to be THEIR NAME. That's TOTALLY male privilege. You can call every sexist thing "a tradition" and not think any deeper about it because it benefits you.
I also noticed no man I've spoken to would ever say YES when asked "is it because you think your name takes precedence because you are a man?" Why not just admit it? That's what's at the root of this. I should also note that they were all opposed to the idea that THEY would change their own names or compromise in any other way.
Reciprocity is out the window here. Deep down, male privilege encourages men to think of their own interests first. And their interests seem to indicate that the name of a woman is not nearly as important as their own and she should give it up without question if she is to be honored with the "Mrs". title.
No logic or reasoning has to be applied. "I am a man and she has to have my name". THE END.
I mean, how else can we be presented to the world as their "possession" right?
Us being theirs by name, them never being ours by name.
Magical.
When I discussed this with my ex, he had a very strong negative reaction to the idea of a woman not taking his last name.
His primary concern, you might ask?
The opinions of other people and how it would "make him look".
He has a very close knit group of cousins and close friends and he is concerned that they could possibly question his manhood and begin to think of him as some kind of a "punk" because he married a woman who wouldn't take his name.
To dig deeper into that sentiment is to realize that the automatic, (sexist) assumption of men is that they should have "control" over the identity/name of their wives. If your wife keeps her maiden name, you are seen as less of a man because you couldn't "make her" take your name. Many, many men seem to measure their manhood by the ways they can make women submit to them and their agenda. If a woman isn't submitting, it could damage their image.
And who could resist being a part of that bullshit?
ME!
I have to relinquish my name of almost 30 years so your friends can have a high opinion of you and your manhood????
The fuck??
This rigid, conventional idea of manhood and masculinity in our society is toxic, I'm telling you. It is illogical, non-sensical, egocentric, and purely rooted in the forceful domination of women in order to assuage male egos.
Well, fuck that. This misfit will not participate.
And this is one viewpoint among many I have solicited from guys over the years. Men are very sensitive (more so than they let on) and many of them also think it's some sort of personal slight when a woman doesn't want to change her name.
As I explained to my male BFF while we talked about this yesterday (he is respectfully opposed to women not taking their husband's last names), it's not that we don't want YOUR name. For women who are sincere about not changing their name, there are several reasons behind it and none of them are personal or about you!
Men, stop making it all about you!
It's the fact that we have had this name for x number of years and have become attached to it. Or we want to share this name with our blood families for the duration of our lives. Or we disagree with the idea that we should relinquish it upon matrimony simply because an antiquated tradition deemed us to be nothing more than the"property" of our husbands and stipulated we share a name for that reason alone. There are many reasons women keep their names. She wouldn't be marrying you if she hated you and the idea of sharing something special with you!
I'm really surprised that in this divorce heavy culture, where marriage is seen by many as such a temporary thing, that people still feel so strongly about women abandoning their names. Divorce rates are said to be around 50% for most marriages and a whopping 66% among Blacks.
WHY ARE PEOPLE SO STUCK ON NAME CHANGING WHEN THE ODDS OF A MARRIAGE BEING "PERMANENT" ARE SO POOR?
Oh, that's right...control and domination over women so you will look good to other people and feel better about your masculinity.
Got it.
This may very well be a moot point for me since I find marriage about as appealing as having my eyes gouged out with a sharp object, but it's an issue I'm passionate about.
For me to ever marry, it would take nothing short of a miracle but there have GOT to be sensible men out here who understand that if I am taking the monumental step of marrying you, it is because I have nearly unshakable faith in our union being a success and I am COMMITTED to loving YOU for you. That is what it would take for me to get married...(well that, several years of dating, his ability to reject chauvinistic and misogynistic ideas, hot sex, and separate residences).
My name should have no bearing on our relationship though and he should be secure enough to give less than a damn about whether or not the outside world chooses to ignorantly misconstrue his manhood over my name.
Does such a man exist? If he does, I'll marry him.
Well wait a minute. I "might" marry him. Provided all the other requisites are in place but don't hold me to this statement, OK? Let's put it like that.
Gotta cover my ass.
Mahogany Misfit - Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 09:36PM - 10 said something... - filed under Women's Issues Email Article 
Email Article to FriendReferences (1)
References allow you to track sources for this article, as well as articles that were written in response to this article.
-
Source: Beyond Wifehood
Reader Comments (10)
I concur with you Mahogany. Keep your name always.
My story:
I changed my name when I got married because my verbally abusive, alcoholic father was well known in the community and I didn't want to be associated with his (very distinctive) last name.
Fast forward 20-odd years. Father is now dead, has been for 15 years. Husband is now ex. The last name I avoided has meant nothing around here for over a decade, but ex's does.
I went back to my birth name. Now I have to spend quite a bit more time networking with the name I avoided.
It is a ridiculous burden on the woman that a paper trail and all the time it consumes advertises my history of living arrangements. I resent the fact that this paper trail advertises my divorce while my ex doesn't have to bring it up unless he feels like it. In addition, college and HS friends have difficulty finding me because of the paper trail.
It took five years--and I am not kidding--for my credit union to correct my name back to my birth name in all departments; in the meantime loans and credit information were in chaos.
What if you travel? What if you have professional ties? It is way more than a pain in the neck to have to explain to airport security why your passport doesn't match your other ID. You do not want someone authorized to strip search you doubting your ID. It is an annoyance to have a job interview wherein your diploma and transcript do not match your resume.
While no one gets married intending to divorce, there's better than a 50 percent chance that changing your name when you marry will prove not relevant.
With the passage of over 20 years I can say that it was a mistake to have changed my name. I cannot emphasize enough: do not change your name. EVER. But if you must, change it for yourself, and not for a relationship.
I always decided to keep my last name. Not to flaunt convention, but my father has all girls, ---and I refuse to let our family name 'die'. I'm very attached to my family name. There is alot of history, love and power behind that name. I agree with all your reasons, but I think this is another ridiculous societal 'rule' that will take centuries to get rid of.
My last name is my identity; I know who she is. I have been published, had accomplishments, gotten my passport, visa, licenses, accounts, diploma etc. all under my maiden name. And that's the way it's staying. Not because I don't 'respect' my s/o but because I cherish my identity.
To tack on to your divorce point; my aunt got married in 1988 and I remember it was a huge deal at the wedding when she announced she was keeping her maiden name. In 2008 they got happily divorced, and she never had to deal with any of that legal paperwork trail. I don't think she intended to get divorced of course, noone does, but it is a weight that is a burden to women, and like you said, men are free from that 'stigma'.
Having been in many complex ends of this issue, I'll say this.
I was born out of wedlock and my perpetually argumentative parents could not and would not agree on much of anything, so out of spite of whatever they (my parents) want to call, my mother never gave me my fathers last name. I had her maiden name until she decided to have it legally changed to my stepfather's last name so we (my younger sibling and I) could all have the same last name and I guess seem more like a family.
My biological father had issues with this and it once again started a war. I was never given the option of what my last name should be and when I received my citizenship, I could have legally changed my name to anything I wanted it to be, but chose not to as I was in my late 20s and so much documentation as already established in my stepfathers name.
Fast forward to my getting married in my early 30s and I insisted that I hyphenate my name. Now ex hubby agrees without issue. Well, that was until I started a new job where they set up my voice mail solely in my maiden name. I had no control over that and saw no real issue in it as I was already known in the industry under my maiden name and it would take some wrangling to make name changes.
Upon divorcing him, I had his name dropped and that was that. Fortunately, there was only two pieces of ID that had my hyphenated name because I'd left all my credit cards, accounts and such in my maiden name.
My daughter has her father's last name as I didn't want to hyphenate my last name with her fathers on her birth certificate. I could have give her my last name as her middle name, but again, I chose not to. These were all choices I made and I figured, she's her father's only child and she's a girl, so his name could be preserved as he has sisters who adopted their husbands last names. In addition, she'd probably hyphenate her name should she marry and would then be alleviated of the many hyphenated names.
Anyway, I've said all that to say that I don't disagree with you and I'm happy that in my case, I maintained my maiden name regardless of whom it belonged to through patriarchal means. To date, my biological father isn't happy that I'm the only one of his children that doesn't have his last name.
I have seen a few men who've taken on their wives last name through hyphenation...maybe there is some progression after all....lol!
Great post MM! I do feel you on this in spite of my own choices.
Really thought-provoking, intelligent post MM.
After reading this, I will join the others and say I'm on your team with the no name changing thing. This really is another trend that is all about the man with no benefit to us. As Lit Grrl proved with her horror story, this simple act of giving up our names for a relationship could have lifelong negative repurcussions.
I think most women really do this robotically without thinking it through (same with having kids on a whim too), but still, it is a choice that supports the patriarchy as you said. Yes, women have the right to take a man's name if they want to but that doesn't make it any less patriarchal and I really don't care what their reasons are.
I plan to casually bring this up with the men in my life (family & friends) to see what they say but I expect to get pretty much the same responses as you. Stubborn, egocentrical, (priviledged) men who think women need to bow to their demands and give up that name or else.
Kellina, yes and part of the reason I took my husband's name in my first marriage, against my better judgement, was because Josh said that rejecting his name was pretty much the same thing as rejecting *him* and that he thought of his last name as a *gift*.
Yes, a woman who keeps her name rejects the "gift" of her husband's name. Of course, that's total BS. Your last name is not a gift.
I will say this to men who are so unflinching on this issue--you've never done it. You've never changed your name. You don't know what it's like. It's probable that no one will try to guilt you into it, and no one is currently doubting your commitments because you didn't. You've never reworked your signature then sat there looking at it like it belongs to a stranger. No one will *ever* tell *you* that you are obligated to lose your identity in order to prove your love and worthiness as a partner.
There was an excellent article written on femisex about this about this a few months ago, and one excerpt is definitely worth reading:
most men would withhold such a proposal if a woman insisted that she would not give up her name for the sake of marriage. There are a growing number of women for whom it is acceptable to do a hyphenated version of a name, but they are the low minority. And JUST TRY to tell a male that is interested in marrying you that you will not only keep your name without the hyphenation but will also be giving only your surname any child born of your marital union. See HIM Running away in the mirror? Yep that is your fiancé’s ass receding into history.
Of course this is the norm in reverse—that is when women marry they give up their names and refuse to name their progeny after themselves.
Jan Doe marries John Brown and becomes Mrs. Brown and has rugrats named John Brown Jr., and Doris Brown, and Eddie Brown. Jan Doe has effectively erased herself from this union. In order to get this male to agree to do the things she needs him to do—cooperate in a union—she has to cede all self in order be granted such cooperation.
http://www.femisex.com/content/talkback-wedding-worship-pratfalls
This is such a sore subject with me as I STILL walk around with my court order to show why my ID's and credit cards doesn't match, this is 5 years later.
I will teach my daughter better
I am one of the ladies that took my husband's last name upon marriage. It wasn't a big deal to me or him. I could have gone one way or the other. IMO, taking my husband's last name just made my entire name more interesting to me. :)
I feel it's a choice and something that should not be FORCED upon a woman. Either she keeps her last name, hyphenates/combines her last name with her future husband's or either he does it with her last name. Whatever works!
I'm glad you ladies shared your experiences here. Due to the fact that I am SO in the minority on this issue, I wondered whether or not this would cause a comment ruckus. I'm glad it didn't! VLM, you always prove yourself to be a classy lady and comment gracefully even in the event your views differ from mine. I appreciate that!
Reading this, I'm reminded of the ancient Greek custom where a respectable woman was never even refered to as her name, but as "so and so's sister/wife/daughter/mother". I'm not saying that we're in the same situation as women in ancient Greece (think Afghanistan under the Taliban), but dammit, the similarities are there.
I've heard about this new Indiana University study about requiring a woman to change her name.
I will say several things but the first one is that it is BULLSHIT. I'm married and I have not changed my name. I am very happily married but iif I get divorced, and remarry, I will not take my new husband's name either. Fortunately, my husband did not pressure me to take his last name - he said it was my choice. Some people, like the plumber, the cleaners, and the people my husband supervises, call me Mrs. ****. Everyone else calls me by my first name or by the name I was born with. It's works well for me.
If a man said I HAD to change my name, we would not be married. Those kind of men are not my type. We would never get along. Might as well face up to it then settle. I can't stand that sexist crap. If you want our family to have the same name, then take mine. And if you can't take mine, you should not be asking me to do something you yourself would not do. And you should be adult enough to live your life and make your decisions without thinking of what other people will think.