Mahogany Misfit

...going out of my twenties with a bang, that is.

I wasn't sure exactly how I'd feel on this day but dammit it's here and the only thing left to do is embrace it.

I'm officially 29.

That's right. It's the last year of my twenties.

The end of an era.

I've been dreading this day for a month but now that it's here, I feel...surprisingly fab at the moment.

I'm going to treat myself to a massage in the afternoon, along with a mani/pedi. I'll dine out with one of my girlfriends, come home to my sweet bachelorette pad to enjoy the birthday present I bought myself (an LCD TV), and take a relaxing bubble bath in my big ole' tub.

My idea of the perfect day.

Oh, but throw in there my mom calling me at the ungodly hour of 6:21am (9:21am EST- her time) to remind me that this is the exact time I was born and to tell me how I have brought ___  years of joy (insert the age I am that year) to her life, yada, yada, yada.

She does this shit every single year. It's her little ritual.

It was less annoying when we lived in the same time zone but hey, she's my mom- I have to humor her.

Plus, I secretly love that she drops everything to call me at the same time every year to give me love and birthday wishes...shhh!

Now, as far as me "accepting" that I'm 29...well, what choice do I really have? It's certainly not my desire to go BACK to any previous age and re-live it.

My teens sucked (doesn't everyone's?) and I wouldn't go back to early twenties if you paid me! I just didn't understand the basics of life at all. I wasn't equipped to make the best decisions for myself yet because I didn't have enough "life experience". I thought I knew much more than I actually did. I thought I had shit "figured out".

HA!

I see so much of my younger self in the people I encounter who are that age now and I just shake my head at them. Ugh that's what old people do, I know. It's just that I realize that in a broad sense, they have NO IDEA...

But hey, someone in their mid-thirties could be reading this and thinking the same thing about me I guess.

That's the beauty of aging...it has the uncanny ability of bringing you wisdom and hindsight- as well as delivering a kick in the ass for the missteps of your youth.

One great thing about getting older, at least for me, is how much savvier I've become in navigating people and life. I am much more sure of who I am and who I want around me.

Just reading my blog over the past year, I've rid myself of the pathetic, yet toxic friend I let drag me down for 8 years...I kicked every stupid man in my life straight to the curb and didn't look back (or get new ones- yay)...tossing unhealthy bullshit out of your life becomes easier as you age, I think.

Also, the older I get, the less I give a fuck about people who don't matter. THAT is really fantastic. I don't know what it is, but as you age, you just care LESS!

It's like magic!

One day you get up and feel like you are cured of that "disease to please" ailment. There's a lot less "bending over backwards" to satisfy others at your own expense. I'm still willing give of myself, but not to my detriment. 

It's very liberating.

I feel much more comfortable calling assholes on their shit, too. You know how people are...they will give you the most backhanded compliment ever, or brutally insult your intelligence, or something else I have no tolerance for and now, rather than holding all of that frustration inside and biting my tongue to the white meat (ode to Bernie Mac there) the way I used to, I will tell a fool off in a nanosecond. Maybe not always with a formal 'cussing out', but in a way that will have the desired effect of making them feel like the ass of the decade.

Especially at work...oh don't let me be on the phone with one of the catty, underhanded imbeciles in our Midwest office. I will dress them down in 60 seconds flat and keep my day right on moving.

I don't give a fucking damn either.

Hmm, sounds like aging is making me more aggressive as I write this...I sound bitchy huh?

WELL THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET OLDER SOMETIMES OK?

The shitty ways of people become much more transparent (that and age makes you more perceptive in reading people's personalities and intentions), and you lose your damn tolerance for bullshit.

Becoming more critical is a part of aging that I'm embracing. I am more critical and pensive about the world, about myself and own life, about other people's lives...I question why people all seem to take the same path when they reach a certain age. Even when they lacked the initial desire to be on that path.

For me, getting older has made me feel so much more better about going in what seems to be a totally different direction from what I see around me. I don't feel obligated to "settle down" or do what other people do when they become "adults".

I'm not compelled to get a mortgage. Or a husband. Or kids.

Clearly, that's the "misfit" aspect of my personality talking, because I can't find another Black woman my age who doesn't already have one or more of those things or who isn't actively working toward one of those "goals".

Hmph.

Oh well. All I know is, I'm not and I'm happy.

I also know that getting older has made me more feeling toward the people I love. If I were to die tomorrow, everyone special and wonderful in my life would know exactly how much I loved them because I tell them ALL THE TIME. I have the most heartfelt conversations with my family and friends. Verbally, I am much more expressive and open and honest about my feelings than I ever was in my younger days. 

So, I'm not feeling anguish over turning 29 at all. I'm feeling smarter, more perceptive, richer in spirit, less willing to tolerate bullshit from idiots when I don't have to, and more willing to speak my heart to those I care about...

The next challenge will be convincing myself that the six gray hairs in the front of my head are "pretty" and look like "sparkles".