Mahogany Misfit - Sunday, July 12, 2009 at 04:42PM - 15 said something... - filed under Me Bitching and Ranting Email Article No Love In This Club
Last weekend, I did something I haven't done in ages...
Accompanied by two of my new friends/acquaintances (both single, childfree Black women, yay!), I went on an excursion to a nightclub in the Biltmore area of Phoenix.
The "club scene" has not been a part of my life for YEARS.
From the ages of 17-25, I LIVED to go out clubbing and dancing on a weekly basis. It began in high school. My cousin and I started frequenting the ever so cheestastic "teen club scene" and became addicted. Sure we couldn't drink at these establishments, but we could dance and there were BOYS OMG!
Ugh.
Once we turned 21 (there is a 6 month age difference separating us), we progressed to adult nightclubs and spent nearly every weekend for the next four years, clubbing and "getting our groove on".
Once I turned 25 and moved here, I had matured and the "club demons" had exercised themselves from my system. When I did go out, it was with my older, married friends, and we frequented relaxed lounges and bars, rather than nightclubs.
But last weekend, all of that went out the window.
Here I am, almost 29 years old and at a stupid nightclub with stupid ass drunk people, and stupid ass rap music.
BOO!
It wasn't my idea of a good time but, I went along with what the girls suggested and told myself to "keep an open mind".
Can you say, error in judgment?
We got to the club and my first gripe was, the music was fucking horrible.
I don't wish to offend any of my readers who hail from the south and enjoy "dirty south rap", but that shit grates on my goddamn nerves. I usually can't understand a word of it and the beats are often crazed and schizophrenic.
Soulja boy? Like really? This is the kind of music that gets played in clubs now?
Ugghhhh! MY EARS, MY EARS!
And don't even get me started on that Lil Wayne song about him wanting to fuck every girl in the universe or whatever the fuck.
Um, for serious? Eww. I cannot relate to that sentiment at all. Not only do I not want to fuck every guy in the universe, I probably don't want 99% of them to even speak to me.
Get the fuck outta here with that ill shit.
And all night, this was the type of music being played. Why nothing even remotely "listen-able"? Like maybe some Kanye, Jay- Z, or Nas? Even though I'm older now, I still love to dance and shake it, but I like my rap music subdued. And at heart, I love R&B more than anything. Maxwell, Joe, Keyshia Cole, Robin Thicke, Mary J....and I was hoping to hear something along those lines but NOPE- just a bunch of hollering and noise.
I'm too old for this shit.
So far, I am not having a great time. I hate the music. The AC isn't blowing strong enough and it's hot as sin. Some of the people smell like a terrible combination of B.O. and bad weed. The drinks are watered the fuck down but still cost a whopping $10 each. I can barely hear a word the girls are saying because the shitty ass music is too loud...
It's all bad pretty much.
We decide to go out on the patio and sit at one of the tables so we can chat and drink in peace. This was a mistake because hello- even though it's midnight, this is Phoenix in July. IT'S STILL 100 DEGREES AND HOT AS HELL.
The next thing I know, this hideous guy with sparkles in his mouth (one of those "grill" things which I fucking despise), comes up to me asking to buy me a drink. I, flat out, tell him NO THANK YOU, fully expecting him to go the hell away. Ignoring my response, he says he wants me to "come to his VIP table inside" because he is about to start "making it rain".
WHAT?
Um, I'm too old for all that dumb shit. My idea of "making it rain" is sprinkling some cat nip on the carpet and watching my two felines roll around in it.
That is the closest I will ever come to participating in a "making it rain" scenario at this point, ok?
And gawd how I would rather be doing THAT right now than at this stupid ass club being absconded by imbeciles.
Thennnn (because being harassed by one offensive man is never enough), some assclown comes over to tell us we look "hot" and then blurts out (and this is a direct quote) "my nuts smell like my cologne and my condo is across the skreet (no that is not a typo, he really said "skreet"). Can we get it poppin' ladies?"
I just look at him in disbelief. I wish I could somehow teleport myself home right now.
I am too old for this. I can't take it.
Maybe, I am a bit of a snob too. Let me just admit that. Do I embrace all walks of life and all mindsets? HELL NO. Anyone who walks around with a stupid ass grill in their mouth is not someone I could ever associate with. Anyone overly fond of "hood culture" and all things ghetto is someone I'd prefer not to know. People who use the word "skreet" instead of "street", and then talk to strangers about how their balls smell, are not people I think highly of. I don't find any of this funny or entertaining. It's ignorant, pathetic, and only worthy of my personal disdain and an eye roll.
Snobbish? Oh well.
But, I'm in a nightclub, WHAT DO I EXPECT?
I should have stayed my ass home, did my nails, and finished reading "Feminist Theory".
That is what I find to be "fun" at nearly 29 years old. Reading non-fiction. Doing yoga. Talking to my parents on the phone. Lounging with my cats. Trying a new vegetarian recipe. Drinking wine in a bubble bath. Calm, relaxed dinners out with friends...these things are my idea of fun now.
Yeah, I'm old and boring.
But, I digress. My friend J, who is verbally the feistiest among the three of us, uses choice words to dismiss our harassers, and we leave the table to make our way back to the bar for more drinks. After all, watery, overpriced drinks are better than none at this point.
As we hold hands and slowly navigate our way through the throes of people, I feel a large hand GRAB MY TIT.
Motherfucking goddammit.
And this wasn't a passing, innocent graze of the breast. This was a blatant grab!
I fling my head around to seek out the culprit but to no avail. The crowd is full of anonymous faces and I, in my tipsy rage, have no way of identifying the groper.
For the hundredth time that night, I realize again, I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING STAYED HOME AND READ A BOOK.
Once the clock hit 2am, I hugged my girls and we parted ways. Listen, I enjoyed their company but the nightclub outing itself was a bust.
Also...the horrendously loud music had my ears ringing for two days afterward...did that happen when I was 21 or is this another symptom of advanced age?
I have no idea. All I know is, my nightclubbing days are o-v-e-r.
I will not put myself through this kind of bullshittery ever again.
Mahogany Misfit - Sunday, July 12, 2009 at 04:42PM - 15 said something... - filed under Me Bitching and Ranting Email Article 
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Reader Comments (15)
Oh shit lol @ "My idea of "making it rain" is sprinkling some cat nip on the carpet and watching my two felines roll around in it"
Ha-ha-ha.
But BLECH at his nasty self telling you guys his nuts smell like his cologne/ who asked him all that??? Men can be so nasty and ignorant. I'm sorry to hear you were sexually harassed and grabbed on top of everything else that soured your mood. I don't blame you at all for closing the door on your clubbing days. There is nothing there for you honey. If your a snob for looking down on stupid shit and stupid people then so am I!
i feel u on the being too old for the nightclub, I'm 21 myself and I just came back from a weekend of clubbing and...I was left with smokey-weed scented hair and horrible images of pseudo-lesbian friends dancing on each other and grill-having or toothless guys hovering over u with hungry eyes it was just too much. I''ve been called bougie but so be it if it means that I prefer to party with classier people, who play a mix of r&b as well as hip hop and come dressed like they had home training, versus ho training. Next time I will be trying a lounge or maybe go with a better group of ppl, with more liquor in my system lol.
I soooo feel you on this...sadly there are so many people on my age category (early 40s) that STILL behave as you described. I'm so selective about where I spend my social time as a result.
I'm 49, happily married, and have not set foot in a nightclub in decades. I see that things haven't changed much since those days...still lots of drunken skeevy guys who think they're hot shit and that all women should beg to fuck them. I can't say I miss those days one little bit.
Like Bluejewel, I know women my age who still think they are 21 and go clubbing. They dress like they are still 21, but no longer have the bodies for it. It looks very pathetic to me.
These days, I'm much more comfortable in a sports bar, watching a good ball game on TV.
Kellina- Good, glad I'm not alone! Honestly I think my best bet from now on is gay clubs...those men are not going to give me a second look, much less bother touching me or harassing me.
Plus I bet the music is better!
Dopelikelouboutins- "Smokey, weed-scented hair" HA. Love that because I've been there myself many a time so it really hits home.
And yeah I've been called bougie, siditty, etc. etc.- doesn't bother me one bit at this point. I'll take sophistication over hood fuckery any day of the week and I'm not going to apologize for that.
Blu- That's the sad thing...both of these men were at least 35-40....AT LEAST. I'm starting to realize that some people just don't grow out of the "buffoon" stage.
Christine- Nope, things have NOT changed. These places are still bastions of asshattery and douchebaggery. I won't be returning, it's not worth the headache! I'd much rather be at a lounge or bar with chill music and a more upscale crowd.
Also, Scottsdale has some clubs with they very type of people you describe...(I hate the term "cougar" but that's the word that gets thrown around when referring to these ladies)...the older women dressing like 19-year-olds and being wholly inappropriate and immature. Ultra tragic if you ask me.
You're making this shit up, this can NOT really be happening. REALLY?!!?!! I swear if I ever have to leave the East Coast I'm jumping on the quickest thing that will take my ass back to the Islands.
But on another note, WTF is up with the "grills"? I attended a family day yesterday with a bunch of friends and my girlfriend was checking this guy out, seemed to be pretty cute. Saw us sizing him up so he came over and said hi all you saw was gold. Like dude REALLY!?! You can't be serious with the gold tooth, you're damn near 40 - WHY?!!! We all gave him the blank stare like you are soo dismissed
What's worse than men with grills and gold teeth are WOMEN with that mess. I SWEAR!!!
I'm a DIVA with a Big EGO and I have no problem with that.
I agree to everything you said about the clubs. Im 24 and I live in Brooklyn NY, the Brooklyn Clubs are soo hood, its like being in a Jamaican ghetto. The city (NYC aka Manhattan) clubs are better because there is a more diverse crowd, but the drinks are sooo expensive--$10 is cheap!
You are just too funny, I love it! I'll be back often.
~*~Come check out Me & My Ego! and Follow my blog! ~*~
Sorry to hear about your night club outing. It sounds like nothing has changed which is why I no longer go to those types of establishments. I prefer the live jazz night spots where the crowd is more mature and we can engage in "intelligent conversation" but I digress. What is the saying...... Always go with your gut instinct...
*LMAO* Oh god I am laughing out loud at this while at work. Seriously...never go out again. *lol*
I was done with the clubs way before you were. Probably because when I went to str8 clubs I ended up wishing i could talk to the women. And when I finally got to go to gay clubs I always seemed to end up with the bi curious girl whose boyfriend was over at the table waiting for a show...uh-uh cat, I don't get down like that...besides mine is probably bigger than yours. *lol*
But I digress...
1) I hate dirty south music for the most part. its probably some of the stupidest music ever created and it has really and truly ruined hip hop. ugh.
2) never drink at the club. have a few drinks at home and get your tipsy on. smoke a lil to get the mellow. then take a cab to the bar. only get water (to keep from getting dehydrated on the dancefloor). drinks in bars are rip off's and unless you know the bartender you're paying alot of money (as you saw) for flavored water. screw that!
3) again i say with all sincerity i seriously feel for the str8 ladies. dudes these days are just examples of idiocy wrapped in grillz and baby mama drama *lol* i know maybe one or two dudes that have some common sense. its sad.
maybe you should stick to the "grown and sexy" *lol*
Tessa- Yeah I thought I was imagining it too because I had to whisper to my girl "Did he REALLY just say his 'nuts smell like his cologne?". She assured me that yes, he said that verbatim.
Sorta devastating huh? Just when I think people couldn't be more icky, they surpass my expectations.
Oh and don't assume you're safe anywhere- I used to live back East and they run wild there too LOL.
The whole "grills" phenomenon disturbs me greatly. First of all, they are ugly. Secondly, I have heard horror stories of what happens to your natural teeth under those things!!! Ewwwwww.
Jenellybean- Why hi there! Thanks for posting. I LMFAO when I read your "big ego" comment, I have to say. Lots of us have a big ego at times. At least you own it, that counts for something ;-)
Oh and where I'm from, $10 drinks is a kick in the head but- I've never gone out in NY or LA so I imagine I'd be very unpleasantly surprised!
K.S.- It's hard to find places like that in PHX. First of all, the last census indicated that the city is only 5% Black so it seems that MOST establishments for Blacks cater to the the stereotypical HOOD crowd. Thus far, I have only found one or two lounges who play jazz or laid back R&B music for a more sophisticated audience.
Studpoet- We are eye to eye on the whole dirty south rap thing. It is honestly the dumbest shit I have ever heard and I wish it would die a quick death. The lyrics are the epitome of stupid and the beats are odd sounding.
Also, I have good drinking experiences at one bar here but for the most part you're right, it's best to knock a few back at home!
Oh and thank you for your condolences on the state of men right now LOL. Looking at lesbians sometimes makes me feel like the grass is probably greener over there!!!!! ;-)
MM,
Whoa, don't want you to to think the grass is greener over here. *lol* There's scandalous studs/femmes over here. But lord have mercy these dudes make me just shake my head and then they get angry when women look over in a studs direction. Yo, I can't help it that I remember what chivalry is and that fresh breath is my life (altoids, dudes...get 'em!)
See, this is why I stopped doing clubs a LONG TIME AGO. Not that I was ever really the Club Maven, anyway, but when I would go.....the "sights" and "scenes" just bored me.
I remember years ago when I was visiting Atlanta, I got off the dance floor and went to the bar to get something to drink. I saw a guy out of the corner of my eye, and I guess we struck up a convo, and I was feeling rather generous or something that evening, because I ended up buying him whatever he wanted to drink. I can't remember what it was, but it was $13! He got his drink, I got mine, finished it and went back out to the dance floor. When I came back to the bar, he was right there, hovering! That fool must have thought that I was just going to keep buying his ass drinks. WRONG! WRONG! I got me something else and got quickly out of dodge.
I mean, for the most part, the club scene it just GROSS. No other way to describe it for me. The the only time I go to a club these days is to see an artist perform or for some other reason other than "clubbing it" on the weekend.
LOL @ "asshattery and douchebaggery"! And don't forget shenanigans, tomfoolery and foolywang! LOL
LOL!! I am so sorry that you had to deal with that complete nonsense!
**btw...I couldn't take it anymore; I ditched my myspace. I'm Kimsy Cosmopolitini (not my real name, obviously) on FB**
Yup, sounds like a typical night at the club. I'd rather stay home and watch the cats go nip crazy too, lol. Glad you survived!