Mahogany Misfit

You guys are not going to believe the hilarity of what happened to me this morning..

Well first of all, you probably should go read this to refresh your memory.

One of the men I was involved with last year, Terry (yeah I'm naming names now cause I don't give a damn about their privacy anymore) left me (inadvertently) this voice mail that I HAD to share with you guys.

Brief background, Terry is 39 (probably 40 now though), a software engineer, divorced, and allegedly "childfree". We met via some mutual events for the Obama campaign in the spring of 2008.

We were fuck buddies, having amazing sex until he decided that I was "behaving too much like a man" (aka not chasing him or making any attempts to try and fervently pin him down) and we ceased communication. The last time we spoke was sometime in the fall before I became involved with someone else.

So imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and had a voice mail on my phone from his phone number. I thought to myself, why is this asshat calling me now?

Um well it appears that he must have dialed me by accident...maybe his phone was in his pocket or something but OMG when I heard this message, I laughed so hard I choked on my own saliva. It was the most hysterical thing ever.

First off it sounded as if he was driving or sitting in his car. All these weird noises and shit in the background, music playing...then all of a sudden, the sound of a baby crying!

Now my first thought was that it sounded like a doll. Then I thought to myself, "He knows I am militant in my childfreedom. Is this silly motherfucker playing baby crying noises because he knows how much the screeching of crotch dumplings annoys me? I don't have time for this bullshit."

But then I heard him talking to the baby. Aww shit.

Christ on crutches, is that HIS baby? And how old is this baby? He told me he didn't have kids and didn't want any!

I was laughing SO HARD at this point...listening to the baby cry, music and car noises in the background...and the message was left at MIDNIGHT! OMG WTF?

I have to share it with you guys...

Listen here

Is that shit crazy of what?!?!?!?!

Ok so I was talking to my friend about it this morning and she's like well how do you know he isn't married with children? He could have had a secret life the whole time you were fucking him, did you ever go to his house? And you know, I never did go to his house but I had his home number and address in North Phoenix because he gave it to me. The one night he was begging me to come over, I declined because I had to be up early the next morning and North Phoenix is a long drive away. So while I never visted his place, I certainly had the ability to.

I doubt he'd be stupid enough to invite me to a home he shares with a wife...or would he?

My friend did bring up another scenario though...remember how he was always traveling for work? Well, my friend thinks maybe he had a wife and kids in some other part of the country! I guess it's plausible but I knew where he lived and where he worked and read his "Linked In" page and knew much of his background...seems he would have been more secretive if he had a wife but hey this is a man we're talking about. You can never really know with them can you?

As far as the baby goes, who knows where it came from but THAT is the funniest shit ever to me and I'm not sure why. Maybe because after all that talk about him not wanting kids, here he is chaffering around a whiny ass baby and trying to calm it down! LMFAO!

I can't help but snicker to myself "haha, sucks to be you!"

But seriously, I guess this is one of the amusing things about being involved with men. They keep you on your toes! I swear, they are the masters at leading a double life. They can lie about everything under the sun and unless you do some private investigating, you'll never find out how many skeletons and lies are in their closet. Now, before a male reader protests in the comments and says something no-brainer like "women do it too", I acknowledge that is true but be logical for a second. Women can lie about things like marital status but kids? Not as easy because MOST women have physical custody of their own children so for us, it's MUCH harder to hide the fact that we're mothers. Both of us "make" the baby but usually one of us gets stuck with most of the responsibility and we know who that is, don't we!

Men however, can and DO hide their parental status all the time because they have it like that. If they don't have custody or regular visitation, they can lie about the existence of any crumbsnatchers and we're none the wiser. I guess that's something I could be "embarrassed" about, but why? I wasn't in a serious relationship with him, nor did I ever intend to be. Our relationship was friendly, but it was casual and rooted in sex and sex alone.

But all of this does pose an interesting question. What measures can any of us possibly take to find out everything you need to know about someone you're involved with? Should I have done more digging on this guy? If you think so, please assert why and what you think I should have done, I’d like to hear some thoughts.

Oh and one more thing, how old does that baby sound to you? HA!