Mahogany Misfit

A few days ago I was listening to a podcast of The Michael Baisden Show regarding whether or not men can overcome and forgive the infidelity of their female partner.

Listen here:

Part 1

Part 2

The host of the show was adamant that male infidelity is often done out of uncontrollable "physical desire" and does not denote a "lack of respect" for his partner, but female infidelity indicates a significant lack of respect for her partner and is unlikely to be forgiven. Several listeners also called in to co-sign the belief that men can retain "respect" while cheating, but a woman who cheats on her man absolutely does NOT respect him.

Um WTF? So basically if I read between the lines, what I'm hearing here is that male cheating is somehow more "benevolent" and less harmful than female cheating? Female cheating is more sinister and "unforgivable" because it indicates a lack of respect??

Doesn't ALL cheating represent a lack of respect for the relationship AND the significant other? Or do these people really want us to believe that a man can step out on his relationship and still have *respect* for his partner, but a woman can't?

And why are people still of the mindset that women can't have sex for the same dumb reasons men have sex? The host of the show is quick to make male cheating sound un-threatening by nonchalantly excusing it as a symptom of the male sexual appetite, but condemns women who cheat as being "disrespectful".

Come on now...women cheat for the same plethora of reasons men do. Some are complex, some are simple and rooted in sex and sex alone. I don't believe for one second that one is anchored in disrespect and the other is simply about sex.

I get annoyed with this notion that women are supposed to be so much more reasonable and saintly when it comes to sex, while men are held to these ridiculously low standards. Why? Because our fall from grace is always larger than theirs and we ALWAYS come out worse.

Men are expected to "slip up" sexually, but when we do it, we're dirty, disrespectful whores.

Anyway, yet another annoyance in this podcast for me- the assertion that men are "less forgiving". 

Um, is it me or do many of the *unforgiving* men in the world often think they are entitled to female forgiveness when they mess up?

At several points in the podcast the shows' host tries to act as if he doesn't have hypocritical standards for men and women in relationships but if you listen intently, he states at one point "If the man cheats, let's talk about it...if the woman cheats run for the hills."

*sigh*

If you've read this blog enough you know that two things I despise with a passion are male privilege and hypocrisy.

Well, I think I'm discovering that male privilege and hypocrisy usually go hand in hand. Whether it's the whole name change issue, the sexual double standards issue, the issue of dating someone with kids, or the cheating issue, it seems that hypocrisy is at the cornerstone of all of these issues.

Far be it for me to say that all men are hypocrites (cause for the most part I don't believe that), but I do believe a SIGNIFICANT number of them have a habit of holding women to standards they themselves don't feel compelled to meet.

I do believe that a great deal of the men who would feel somewhat entitled to forgiveness after they were unfaithful would be far less forgiving if they were on the other side of that infidelity.

Another thing that bugged me while listening to this was the statement that "men are territorial". We hear that a lot don't we? What does that even MEAN?

When I hear shit like that it makes me wonder if what they're really saying is that men generally think of women as their property.

You know how some men are. My woman. My pussy. MINE, MINE, MINE!

And as soon as that popped into my head, one of the women on the show expressed the same sentiment which lets me know this isn't some far-fetched assumption I'm making.

Part of me wonders if what would bother a man like this about being cheated on is really about the sexual act itself. Is it that or is it the fact that something of his was *taken* by another man?

I think a lot of this is about pride, ego, competition with another male, and the treatment of women as possessions.

Also, I have to agree with one of the women on the show who stated that as women, we are to a certain extent, expected to forgive men's infidelity. Society, and hell, men themselves (like in this podcast) send us these messages that "boys will be boys", cheating by a man doesn't signal "disrespect", that men often are slaves to their dicks and can't always control themselves, it doesn't mean they don't love their S/O....blah, blah, blah.

I mean really. Think about it.

No one in a million years would ever expect the husband of a disgraced FEMALE politician to stand behind her while she confessed to fucking around.

No one in a billion years would expect Bill Clinton to stand by Hillary's side after she confessed to getting her box eaten by a 20-year-old intern.

No one in a trillion years would expect Magic Johnson to stick by his HIV stricken wife after she brought him face to face with a fatal disease by being a relentless philanderer.

Do you guys feel me on this? We are expected to be and "do better".

I'm not encouraging people to lower their standards for women, but if the bar is going to be set high for us, it needs to be set high for them too is all I'm saying.

I don't buy ANY of that bullshit about men not being able to control their urges and being more "vulnerable" to committing infidelity. Maybe a lot of men do want to hold themselves to these low standards (because it allows them to get away with egregious breaches of trust?), but I'm not falling for it.

And neither is one of my favorite educators/male feminist bloggers.

In this post on cheating, he states "we live in a society that places little faith in men, however, men have gleefully, willfully, often pathetically and repeatedly done all they can collectively to destroy that faith. We are the architects of our own adversity, and the chief way in which we perpetuate the problem is by convincing ourselves that we are, in the end, helpless victims of testosterone or eros or what Coetzee calls the “rights of desire."

I totally fucking agree. I also agree with his sentiment that "Men can be who we need them, wish them, long for them to be."

Perhaps the sooner they realize this the sooner they can start holding themselves to the impossible standards they hold us to.