Mahogany Misfit - Sunday, January 4, 2009 at 06:17PM - 6 said something... - filed under Women's Issues Email Article Why Men With Kids Expect You To Have None
As many of you are aware, I have a lot of "dating" experience.
Over the years I've always been bothered by the fact that men who have children maintain a startling expectation that the women they date have none.
Nevermind the fact that they themselves may have spawned many times over, it doesn't matter. They avoid women with children like the plague.
As someone who has dated and had relationships with men with kids in the past, I can't tell you how much MORE attracted to me men were once they found out I didn't have children. The reaction from most men was almost comparable to hitting the dating lottery.
And most of the time, this kind of effusive enthusiasm for my childfree status came from FATHERS.
I need to know why so I'm hoping someone will break it down for me.
It's hypocritical, no? I mean let's take a look at the four guys I was with this year. Three of them were childless. Two of those childless men told me in no uncertain terms that they would not become involved with a woman with kids.
The man with children? Pretty much the same reaction but more adamant. He's in his 40's, he dates younger women only, and children are a no-go. He will NEVER be with a woman with kids. He was the most emphatic of them all!
Now, for anyone who DOESN'T have kids, I find no fault with them for discriminating a little bit based on a potential mate's childed status. They aren't being hypocritical in any way shape or form. They have refrained from having kids and expect the person they're involved with to be of the same mindset. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But the one who HAS kids? Come on. How come what's good for the goose isn't what's good for the gander? How come you can have little munchkins running around but the woman you date can't?
I'm thinking it's because fatherhood isn't as "all-encompassing" as motherhood? I mean most men don't have custody of their kids. Parenthood doesn't alter their lifestyle the way it does with women. Let's be real here, when you're a man, you can have the luxury of being a part time daddy who still has a fun, irresponsible bachelor lifestyle if you want! Men aren't expected (by society) to have sole custody of their children and I'd venture a guess that MOST all of them would rather their children live with the mother. That may seem like a dig at men but oh well-this is real talk. From what I've seen, if they aren't with their children's mother, they are MORE than content for the kids to live with her.
With women it's a whole different ball game. If you're a mom, it's highly likely you have full custody of your kids. Women don't have the luxury of parenting on a "come and go as you please" basis the way men do. The children are with you 24/7 and they definitely have an effect on every single aspect of your lifestyle.
Hypocritical men with children don't fancy this arrangement I guess? Nah, they'd rather date a woman who has a lifestyle like theirs...one that doesn't revolve around kids.
It seems to be a popular subject on the web too because in researching what I was going to post about today, I came across articles here and here promoting the reasons why men don't and SHOULDN'T date women with kids. Neither one brings up whether or not the man himself has children which speaks volumes. When you date a man with children you're still just dating a man. When you date a women with children, you're dating a MOTHER.
Even though I'm hella childfree I don't like that. I'm actually surprised at how annoyed this makes me! I don't like how a woman stops being "a woman" in a man's eyes once she has kids. I don't like the fact that men can be fathers yet essentially still keep the very same lifestyle as before with no drawbacks other than paying child support. They can have kids and the world doesn't view them any differently or see them as any less desirable or worthy...not so for us.
As if I needed another reason to look at motherhood through shit colored glasses.
Mahogany Misfit - Sunday, January 4, 2009 at 06:17PM - 6 said something... - filed under Women's Issues Email Article 
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Reader Comments (6)
While I was childless I only wanted to date men that was also childless. Now that I have my daughter I'm more open, but I still look at things realistically. You can't do shit for me, not even dinner if you're paying 3 different women child support - move right along. I think a lot of men look at single mothers one-sided, there are many different reasons why a woman becomes a single mother. And you're right once again the woman gets the shitty end of the stick, but what else is new. I say just create the best situation for YOU. They don't want you, so what find someone that does. The only thing that pisses me off is the men, that have no problem running around knocking up these women, then moving right along to the next "victim", well buddy you just created the same kind of woman you won't date. Its so ass backwards. Like men who say "I want you to have my baby but I don't think you're wife material" WTF!!! ASSBACKWARDS!
I read this post and just thanked my lucky stars. I have a great social life without having to leave my child with every random "auntie", a great kid who has never seen mammy with any other man than the one that I've finally settled down with. I didn't expose her to him 1 on 1 for almost 2 years, and once her father started WANTING to act up I reminded him quite politely why he was the ex and why he was going to remain that way. And I will give her father the credit in that if I call and say I have to leave town for the weekend, he'll adjust his schedule to suit, but it wasn't always that easy.
Ok I'm going to stop now because I can go on and on for both sides. But your right, its very hypocritical and unfair
Great post CF SP.
Men with kids do view their female counterparts as "damaged goods" and it IS every bit of fucked up. You made some excellent points about how a man is always a man but once a woman becomes a mom everything changes.
I hope men appreciate how good they have it compared to our struggles.
I never knew men with kids were behaving in this manner. You know they can say all day long what they will and won't tolerate until they're faced with the situation head on, they're just probably blowing smoke!
I read the first article you listed and i just need to point out one interesting sentence in it:
"When your trying to build a relationship with somebody, you should be the focus of the woman’s life". Wow. That's all i really have to say. I guess its back to the kitchen for us..
Great post. I'm proudly CF and I'm really glad i found your blogs. Keep them coming.
Girl, you shouldn't have even posted this cause I'm about to get hella raw up in here on this topic. First, let me say that I completely agree with you that there is a complete and despicable double standard here and agree that men need a kick in the effin dick for their lack of regard of their own status as a parent and their requirement that their love interests have none.
I've dated a man who had custody of his daughter and I would only spend time there when she was in school or when she was at her mothers. I didn't want to come between them and respected his position as the custodial parent. For him, he preferred to date women with children and they could understand him as a parent and they can be equally understanding of the role of their respective parenting time allowances and constraints.
As a parent who splits custody of her daughter, I have one week completely to myself when she's at her fathers and it's at that time that I might date and do my thing. My daughter is almost 17 now, so it's a little different for me, but when she was younger, I was even more secretive about my dating and never brought men around her, well, not until I was absolutely sure there was a future.
I refuse to date a man who disqualifies me as a good candidate because I have a child as does he, but he wants to have his freedom without the necessary time spent with his child. His attitude would be an instant turn OFF and his worth as a man in my eyes would be diminished because he's subliminally saying to me that he has little regard not only for being a parent, but for the mother of his children because he wants to run around and do his, but she's not allowed because she's the one saddled with the child/ren.
I also have an issue with men who have a squadron of kids, but spends his time with women instead of with his kids. It's obvious that he has little regard for his seedlings if he can procreate, but not spend time with and on his kids, so for him to have the mindset that whom he wants to date not have kids is irresponsible, inconsiderate, and inconceivably wrong.
I know I may have gotten a little off track, but I'm sure you get the point of what I'm saying. I think women should start taking their kids to the father and leaving them there; if or when possible so SHE can go out and get her fuck on and let him play his role in his kids lives.
Okay, lemme get off this lil soap box and stop hogging your comment box.
love to live; live to love!
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say they want someone whose life emulates their own. The father never has to check with the mother to make sure that it is okay to make plans or have a life. If the father does not have custody he can up and go whenever he pleases and he wants a woman that can do the same.
I have a friend that does not like to date women with children because he thinks that the father can "come and get it" whenever he chooses. I guess there are some women who feel attached to their child(ren)'s father no matter how many fathers there are. I know this to be true for several of the mothers that I know however, I'm sure this isn't true for EVERY mother.