Mahogany Misfit - Saturday, June 21, 2008 at 11:03PM - 12 said something... - filed under Life Issues Email Article Breaking Off A Shitty, Draining Friendship...
I need some major advice. I have had it up to here with one of my friends and I am simply not up for supporting her shit anymore.
Lemme give you the scoop...
My friend...we'll call her "Marie" has a life that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. She and I have been friends for 8 years now. When we first met, she was mother to a newborn baby girl. She was struggling to make ends meet, dealing with the baby's deadbeat dad who gave her herpes, trying to go to school but ultimately had to drop out, and was working dead end jobs. I myself had just gotten out of college so I was no major success either.
We saw each other thru a lot of drama, boyfriends, etc.
Fast forward 5 years from when our friendship began...my life gets progressively better. Professionally and personally. She, on the other hand, gets knocked up by another shit-tastic guy she's dating. He.Is.A.Loser. Lives at home with his parents, lazy as hell...not at all father material.
Anyway, she has a horrible pregnancy. She has something called Hyperemesis AND she continues to smoke cancer sticks the entire time she's knocked up. She spends most of her pregnancy in the hospital. I am there at the fucking hospital right with her ass on numerous occasions.
She gives birth to her son and against my advice, continues the relationship with the sorry motherfucker. He constantly yells at her, berates her, fails to see his child even semi-regularly, and damn sure isn't paying child support.
I tell her she should break it off.
She doesn't.
They get "engaged" (if you can even call it that cause she badgered him into it) and this idiot BOUGHT HER OWN ENGAGEMENT RING!!! Spent money she did NOT HAVE! She also buys a wedding dress!
But...shock and awe, at the last minute, he calls off the wedding leaving her high and dry.
Fast forward a year and a half and she pregnant by his fucktarded ass AGAIN. Her excuse is that the birth control pills she was taking were ineffective because she was on antibiotics.
WHY WAS SHE FUCKING HIM AGAIN IN THE FIRST PLACE???!!!
This makes baby #3. She considers an abortion (she's had three in her lifetime) and I tell her she definitely should cause she can't afford another fucking kid.
She doesn't go thru with it.
Same cycle as before...smoking, depressed, hyperemesis, hospital is her second home.
I wasn't there cause luckily I had moved here to AZ by that time.
Anyway, she gives birth to a daughter. Life sucks. She has a low paying job. Neither of the fathers pay child support on a regular, dependable basis. Daycare costs like a bajillion dollars a month, especially for a kid who isn't yet two and a newborn baby.
I take several calls from her while she's living this nightmare. She tells me she barely has food in the house. She can't go to the grocery store because the kids act up...she has no one to really watch them...baby daddy #2 doesn't do shit. He works at a fucking junkyard for chrissakes.
She is a single mother of three making 29k a year. She's depressed, tells me there are many times when she just wants to get in her car and leave everyone- including her kids.
I'm her friend. I love her. I listen and empathize.
And I give a few lectures along that way about her shitty choices in life and tell her to stop it.
She is still on and off with baby daddy #2, he is still treating her like shit, and abusing her mentally and emotionally. Damaging her on the inside more than he ever could on the outside. He now has his own place but still can't manage to pay his child support up to date. I listen to her cry over the phone more times than I can count.
I'm fucking exhausted. This friendship sucks the juice from my very soul.
Recently she tells me she wants to try to buy a house. Now.
Um, when she just told me two months ago they had little food in the fridge.
I go to town telling her what a dumb idea this is and how she is nowhere near prepared for that kind of responsibility. She has NO MONEY. Not even in the bank. I email her and tell her this is not what she should be focusing on. Her priorities are fucked. What about emergencies? What if she loses her job or the fathers stop paying child support again, or someone in the home has a medical crisis, or if something happens to the car and she needs a new one...or if the house needs an expensive unexpected repair...what about that! How will the mortgage get paid?
She has no logical answers. She thinks this is a good move.
I get an email from her today saying she was approved for the house but there's one catch she was afraid to tell me....Baby daddy #2 is moving in with her!
The man who stood her up at the altar, broke her spirit with his extreme mental abuse, rarely spent time with his two children, and stayed behind on his child support...she is going to live with this man.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Just the notion of her calling me in tears a few months from now over their relationship or the fact that she can't pay the mortgage...makes me wanna fucking scream. I fucking told this bitch she was making fucked up decisions. I am not gonna listen to the goddamn aftermath!
I am so pissed off. I wish I could fly back East, slap the shit out of her and then get right back on the fucking plane and come home.
I can't take another day of this shit. I have to sever this relationship. I have no other choice. I'm sad. Sad I don't respect her or even like her as a person anymore. Sad that her kids see this fucked up, destructive relationship she's in. Sad that she seems to lack self esteem and even basic common sense. Sad for her future, her children's futures, and sad that her life will likely continue to be shit.
I need to end this relationship...but how?
Mahogany Misfit - Saturday, June 21, 2008 at 11:03PM - 12 said something... - filed under Life Issues Email Article 
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Reader Comments (12)
Wow, this sounds like something you would only see on Jerry Springer. I have a friend like that too, and she married the alcoholic boyfriend, father of her 6th child. Neither of them has a job---just the same kind of mess. It's frustrating because you want to help, but at the same time you feel like you are talking to a brick wall.
It's sapped the energy out of me and upset me more times than I can count. I just cut out of her life, radically. I'm cordial if I see her but don't go out of the way to answer the phone when she calls, visit or talk to her. Until she gets it together, she's out of my life.
She's a toxic friend. And toxic friendships shouldn't be allowed in your life. I would call her one last time, and have a Dear John conversation with her. Tell her that her situation is stressing you out and you can't deal with her drama and bullshit any longer. Kind of like how you did with the neighbor and the crazy boyfriend that was beating her. One conversation and that's it. Thank goodness you are 3000 miles away. Hopefully she will get the message and lose your number.
Ugh. I hate stories like this, they are just so depressing. What's worse is that the kids will just be another part of the cycle.
I wouldn't even bother calling to tell her...I'd send her ass an email and just be done with it. No point in even answering the phone and having a conversation either, you can talk until you turn blue, she clearly doesn't want to take your advice or fix her life. Sounds like she just wants to complain and what is the point of that in a final conversation? Send her a nice long email explaining that the friendship is over and to not call you.
Wow. Obviously she is going to do with the fuck she wants to do. You have already talked to her giving her lectures and telling her why she shouldn't do this or that, but she stills go against the grain, and does stupid shit and end up getting fucked. Who in the fuck wants to keep hearing the bullshit or hearing her cry over bullshit when U already tried to be a help to her. Fuck that, the shit isn't healthy, think about your sanity. So on that note I wouldn't even call or send her an email she probably isn't going to understand it or think U just tripping for the moment, I personally just wouldn't answer my phone or respond to any emails she may send you, this way maybe coming off harsh but oh fucking well. Continue to pray for her and hope that one day she will wake the fuck up before its really to late.
Spiritual Vampires - we all have one, they suck the very spirit out of your body.
Ignore her phone calls - plain and simple, become less available. If you try to have a conversation with this chick she will just suck you right back in with another sad story.
Just remember if she likes it, you should love it; its her life (and sadly enough the life of her kids) to screw up.
As much as I dislike the avoidance route, I totally agree with Tessa that you just have to start avoiding her. Let the friendship fade out. Take her calls less and less, answer her emails less and less and just say you're really busy these days. There is no easy way to say, "I've outgrown this friendship" so just showing her you have by being less and less available is the only way to go.
Oh dear. Toxic friendships can be as bad as toxic romantic relationships. I would send her a final email with one question: What is she going to do when baby daddy #2 starts emotionally abusing the kids? Because you know that's the next step if it hasn't happened already. However, I don't think you should tell her you want to cut her out of you life. Just start ignoring emails (don't even read them honey because then you'll just get sucked right back into the whole drama!) and don't answer phone calls either. It's tough to weed out bad relationships of any kind and I hope you find a way to get through this one. Be strong! *Hugs*
I would write her a letter and send it certified to make sure she got it.
I would make sure I write in the letter EVERYthing I feel for her and the friendship and exactly WHY you have to bow out NOW.
Let her know that you still LOVE her and you want ONLY the best for her. Until she wants it for HERseslf, to be honest, she is a LOST cause. Sad but, true.
Be very clear, open and HONEST with her on why you have to end it with her NOW.
Sometimes, people understand and hear the written instead of the spoken word. She will also have your letter to refer to every time she thinks to call you again. Tell her in the letter, the reason why I am walking away is.....and then make sure to tell her to re-read your letter BEFORE she ever thinks of contacting you again ;)
p.s. it's HARD ending friendships but, she doesn't want better for herself. You've done all you can do.
At first I was going to say just ignore her...no call or email. But after reading Tanyetta's comment, I think that may be the best solution. Write her a letter. That way, you don't have to talk to her.
This is a sad situation especially for the kids.
Wow, I'm drained just reading all of that. You seem to care more about her own well-being than she does. That's the mess that bothers me.
Writing a letter didn't even come to mind, but that is a great suggestion. Its a direct send-off, without being too harsh. Hopefully it'll give her some things to think about, and inspire positive
change.
Best wishes to you both......
Hm. I would have to say that this is not a "toxic friendship" (with all due respect to the above posters). It would have to actually BE a friendship to begin with and it is not.
Friendship is a two-way street. If you were truly friends, she would be there for you just as much as you are for her. She should be one YOU can go to when you need someone. But it appears to me that you are her crying towel and nothing more.
I get the impression that this ignorant heifer is a user, period, end of story. You will not miss her when she is gone because she did nothing to enhance your life, quite the opposite. Her life is a mess and that's all she has to offer.
Good luck.
This "friend" has made her choices and now way in hell were you going to make her do otherwise. You did yourself a favour by moving on.
This is the funniest thing I ever read!