Mahogany Misfit

Ok, so I've told this story before, but not on this particular blog...

When I made the move to Arizona, initially I was a little bored and seeking some entertainment. I was quasi-involved with two guys back East but decided there was no harm in doing some light dating here in my new state.

The easiest way to go about meeting guys in a new city is obviously the internet, so I started engaging in some on-line dating. After a few days frequenting a personals website, I hit pay dirt (so I thought) and met a guy named Charles. We exchanged emails at first, and then phone numbers.

He seemed nice, was a great conversationalist, made me laugh hysterically on the phone, and from his photos was very handsome. We set a date for the upcoming weekend.

I was of course expecting some sort of magical, romantic experience seeing as though we clicked so well in our emails and over the phone. What I did NOT expect was the bullshit that later ensued.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon... this guy shows up at the bookstore we agreed to meet at, looking similar to his photo except for the fact that he was wearing some of the most bogus hazel colored contacts I have ever seen in my life. They were just outlandish. The man's eyes were dark brown in his photos....what the hell happened???

Naturally, I was taken aback by the creepy eyes but decided to hang in there anyway. We exchanged a little small talk and at his urging, went across the street to Paradise Valley Mall (the same mall where I had spent $300 the previous day).

Immediately upon entering Robinson's-May (which is now out of business), Charles scurried to the shoe section with more fervor than I, as a woman, have EVER HAD! I mean, he did the "gay sprint" over to the fucking shoe department for chrissakes.

The next thing I know, Charles is excitedly engaged in trying on DOZENS of shoes for the next 60 or so minutes....I had never seen anything like it. He was so...hmmm what's the best word to use here...gleeful. I haven't EVER witnessed a man get this worked up over shoes...at least not over shoes that lacked the name of some famous athlete! Like, he was excited over LOAFERS.

What the fucking fuckitty fuck.

So, after more than an hour of him trying on shoes and me watching him, my date ended up purchasing not one, or two, or even three pairs of shoes but FOUR PAIRS total.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to be open minded. Straight men can get wildly excited about loafers right?

Uh yeah...

So, after the shoe debacle, Charles made a dismaying request that further cemented my suspicions regarding his sexuality. He asked if we could please hit up Bath and Body Works because he "loves that store". Wow really? Okaaay.

So, against my better judgment and my loudly sounding gaydar beeping like a fucking fire alarm, we head to B&BW.

I had NO IDEA what shenanigans were in my immediate future...poor me.

First, Charles got a "hand treatment" from the sales girl, which entailed exfoliation, washing, and moisturization. To say he fucking LOVED IT would be the biggest understatement EVER. He kept caressing and smelling his hands like a total moron.

Oh but that wasn't the end of it. You'd think he'd want to preserve the effects of the hand treatment but no...he couldn't restrain himself from trying on about 14 different hand lotions! WOMEN'S HAND LOTIONS!

Sure, it doesn't say on the bottle it's for women, but come on. Does the fragrance "Sweet Pea" scream out macho masculinity to anyone? Fuck no.

Goddamn it all to hell.

After spending close to 45 minutes in this damn store, I told Charles I was ready to go. We made our way to the cash register to ring up our purchases and get this- he spent over $120 dollars on lotions and body wash which paled in comparison to the $60 I spent.

I was completely puzzled and disgusted. This date just HAD to come to an end..it just had to end. I cancelled on lunch telling him I wasn't hungry after all, and allowed him to walk me to my car. Trust me, I was not expecting a kiss goodbye or any type of affectionate send off but Charles gave me a total "gay man's hug". You know, not the arousing, touchy feely type of hug you get from a straight man. The kind of quick distant squeeze you often get from gay men who don't want icky boobs touching them. That is how he hugged me.

What a waste of my goddamn time. I called one of my favorite homos back home to tell him what happened and get his take on this and the verdict was clear to us both...Charles is totally gay gay gay. Why didn't I pick up on it during the phone conversations? What kind of dumbass am I?

And what is it with gay Black men who insist on putting on this charade of dating women? According to my friend, he sees this kind of thing all the time. Outwardly date women but behind closed doors, it's time for penis play, ass poking, and man juice!

Ugh it's such bullshit. They waste our time and theirs with this crap...come on guys, cut the down low shit and just be gay...or even openly bi-sexual! Whatever floats your boat, just be honest about it! I mean seriously, I have tons of lesbian friends, and I personally enjoy the company of friendship of gay men. In my experience, they make great friends, are usually very compassionate, sensitive, and understanding, and have great taste and great humor (yeah I'm generalizing)...but for heaven's sake I don't want to be used as any gay man's "beard" dammit. I'm tired of down low stories and trickery perpetrated on women by closeted men!

So am I the only one who's fallen for the okey doke here or has anyone else been out with an undercover homo?